Lead Your Team Without ‘Should’ing
“We should get this solved by end-of-day.”
“You should have completed this by now.”
“I should have told you in advance.”
“I should work on this over the weekend.”
We use the word ‘should’ more often than we realize. We don’t notice it, but it’s tiptoeing around in our language, thoughts, beliefs, and emotions. ‘Should’ is shaping our experiences at work, and ultimately, impacting our results and performance.
‘Should’ has some friends too — ‘ought’, ‘must’, and ‘need’. All of these words signal an invisible standard that we have set for ourselves and our teams. The standard is self-imposed and socially constructed, but it can feel like an objective truth. If we don’t meet this standard, we are not ‘good enough’ and we are ‘wrong’.
With ‘Should’ Comes Blame
Inherent in ‘should’ is a sense of blame:
“We should get this solved by end-of-day.” Story: if we don’t solve this by end of day, we’re doing it wrong. We are to blame.
“You should have this completed by now.” Story: The fact that this isn’t done yet is wrong and you are to blame.
“I should have told you in advance.” Story: I am to blame for not telling you in advance. It’s wrong that I didn’t communicate.
“I should work on this over the weekend.” Story: I am to blame for not completing the task. It’s wrong to take the weekend off if this task is not done.
At work, blame can become part of the culture — we think we are upholding a standard, fighting complacency, and keeping our companies running, when we might actually be limiting our potential, creating disengagement, and slowing down our company’s growth.
By overusing the word ‘should’, we demotivate our teams. A culture of blame can lead to decreased employee satisfaction and engagement, increased turnover, increased reliance on management, decreased results, decreased motivation, and decreased creativity. More discussion on the ‘blame game’ can be found here.
Leaders, Get Clear on What You Want
What if we remove blame from the picture altogether? When we say ‘should’, what if we really mean some version of ‘will’, want’, ‘prefer’, or ‘can’?
“We will get this solved by end-of-day.”
“I wanted you to have this completed by now.”
“I have a preference for telling you in advance.”
“I can work on this over the weekend.”
When we replace ‘should’ with the words above, we can communicate our preferences and vision more clearly to ourselves and to others. There is no invisible standard to be met. We are communicating from the point of view of what we actually want and not from what seems ‘objectively right’.
When we lead our teams without ‘shoulding’, everyone can stop looking for someone to blame and start creating, thinking critically, and challenging one another. The absence of ‘should’ allows more space for new perspectives. The team is invited to share their experiences, opinions, and ideas without fear.
All of a sudden, we’re ‘good enough’ and nothing is ‘wrong’.
Consider this: If a teammate uses the word ‘should’, other teammates commit to point it out, pausing the conversation, and getting clear on the desire, commitment, preference, or possibility that is underlying.
Are you willing to try this with yourself and your team?
